Woke Up In Vegas (Married To The Enemy)
by Lacrimula Falsa
Summary: Tony wakes up in Vegas, married to Lady Loki. To his surprise, this does not immediately result in death, disaster or divorce. (AKA The Really Silly Idea Fic) [Tony/Lady Loki mostly, Loki/Tony some of the time. AU, WIP.] (AKA The Really Silly Idea Fic)
1. Chapter One – It's All A Blur

**Woke Up In Vegas (Married To The Enemy)  
** _by Lacrimula Falsa_

 ** _Disclaimer:_** I do not own any part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and/or any other Marvel franchise. I write to de-stress, not for profit. I do not own any of Katy Perry's music/lyrics.

 _Summary:_ Tony wakes up in Vegas, married to Lady Loki. To his surprise, this does not immediately result in death, disaster or divorce. (AKA The Really Silly Idea Fic) [Tony/Lady Loki mostly, Loki/Tony some of the time. AU, WIP.]

A/N: I had a stupid idea and ran with it. Quoted lyrics from Katy Perry's song "Waking Up In Vegas".

Warnings!: Mentions of sex, nudity. Some language.

 **Please read:  
** This is comfort fic. From me, for me. It's my "everyone's mostly happy and nothing hurts" head-space. Be prepared to see silliness, tropes, rom-com drama, lots of handwaving/ignoring the issue regarding Loki's redemption or lack thereof and no research about anything ever.

If that doesn't put you off, enjoy.

* * *

 **Chapter One – It's All A Blur**

 _ _~You gotta help me out  
It's all a blur last night~__

 _[Tony]_

Tony woke up with what he was sure was the worst freaking hangover of his entire alcohol-soaked life.

He also woke up A) without his AI telling him about the weather and B) in a strange bed with pink sheets and heart-shaped pillows.

"Fuck."

Oh god, talking hurt. So did moving. And having his eyes open. Also, he was naked except for a t-shirt printed with 'King Of Vegas'.  
The used condom stuck to his tight gave him a pretty good idea of what he'd been doing last night. Multiple times, if the state of the bed was anything to go by.

So. Drunk sex, but at least he'd used protection. He mentally patted himself on the back.

 _Good job Tony._

Well, no, because he'd gotten black-out drunk. But still. Better than nothing. Small victories and all that.

A small sniffle alerted Tony to the fact that there was another person next to him.

 _Time to face the music._

His bed-partner was female, curvy and had black hair and white skin that would have made Snow White jealous. Not his usual type, inasmuch as he had one. Deciding he needed more data before he woke her, Tony dragged himself upright _, surveying the room._

Ugly-as-sin furniture and pink wallpaper, check. His clothes, check. Okay no, partial check because he couldn't see his jacket but whatever. At least his trousers and underwear were in evidence. A green dress that he was pretty sure belonged to the woman next to him, check. So far, so expected. He also spied a tray full of...golden fruit? Eh, Vegas, moving on.

Or not, since his bedmate was waking up.

Tony turned towards her, watching as the woman blindly groped around for something, then sat up.

He had to admit, he could see the appeal with that one. She was probably really pretty under the smeared make-up. At the moment the smudged lipstick and runny eyeliner rather ruined the effect.

The woman blinked at him. Tony could see the exact moment she recognised him because her face got impossibly paler.

"You!"

Tony just barely hid a wince because A) she was shouting and he was still hung over and B) she was apparently one of those women who were not happy to wake up in Iron Man's bed.

 _ _Well, fuck my life, seriously. I'm way too old for this bullshit.__

"Morning."

"What do you mean "morning"?!"

"Ow! Ow! Stop yelling, for heaven's sake! Lady, what's your problem?"

She mercifully lowered her voice.

"You don't recognise me?"

Tony rummaged around his brain for a name to attach to the expectant face in front of him but came up blank.

"Err. No?"

"Oh thank the..."

She trailed off, her eyes going from his face to his hand. Then she abruptly grabbed his wrist, yanking it in front of her face.

 _Oh._

He'd gotten a tattoo. He'd gotten a honest-to-god tattoo. Drunk. In Vegas.

 _Late midlife crisis, check._

It was and odd one too. It looked like a piece of rope wrapping around his wrist. Now that he was paying attention to it, Tony noticed that his wrist felt kind of tender.

"Wow. That is like every Vegas cliché ever."

The woman (he really needed to get her name) shifted his hand to look at him like he was missing the point by several miles.

"Stark."

"Oh good." Tony beamed at her. "You know my name."

"Stark, we have a problem."

"Uh, yes, I guess we do. Look, darling, don't get me wrong, I'm sure last night was awesome and everything but I don't really know who you are. It's nothing personal just..." He shrugged. "Alcohol. Lots of it. You know how it is."

She blinked at him, still holding his hand up.

"You truly don't remember a thing, do you?"

"Nope. Not one single thing. Niente. Nada. Do you remember everything?"

 _That would be so embarrassing._

She shook her head.

"No. Some things but everything is...hazy. Disconnected. I wonder what kinds of spirits I imbibed. I haven't felt this hung over in centuries."

Weird sense of humour. He could work with that.

"Yeah. So. I don't remember but I'm sure this was fun. Why don't I call you a cab after you've freshened up? Or if this turns out to be your hotel room, I'll freshen up and call my driver."

 _Please let her be the kind who doesn't put up a fuss._

"I can't."

A shiver of unease worked itself down Tony's back. But alas, no reason to panic yet.

"What? Why not?"

The woman held up his hand again, waving it in front of his face and wow, _rude_.

"Yeah, tattoo, gotcha. I don't see why that's a..."

That was when Tony noticed the ring. In gold. On his left ring finger.

 _Oh. My. God._

"That's not a wedding ring. _Please_ tell me that that's not a wedding ring."

"Ring? Stark what are you _talking_ about?"

That broke him out of his fit.

"Wait, what are _you_ talking about?"

"This!"

She thrust her left hand under his nose.

There was a ring on her finger too. Also, they'd apparently gotten _matching tattoos._ He was screwed.

 _Jarvis, engage worst case protocols._

Pepper was going to _brutally murder_ him.

"Oh shit."

She dropped her hand and gave him a droll look.

"Indeed."

Tony buried his head in his hands.

"Pepper is going to kill me."

The woman chuckled darkly.

"Oh, you have no idea."

That made him look up sharply.

" _What?_ "

Suddenly, the space around the woman's head... _shimmered_ , before something golden materialised on top of her dishevelled hair.  
And then the woman was wearing a helmet. Loki's helmet, that she had apparently pulled out of thin air. Tony's jaw dropped.

" _LOKI?!_ "

She smiled sardonically.

"Surprise."

"Well forget about Pepper. Thor is going to rip me to pieces."

* * *

 _A/N:_ And so it begins. Thoughts, please?


	2. Chapter Two – My Fiancée Is The Bestest

**Chapter Two – My Fiancée Is The Bestest**

 _~Why are these lights so bright  
Oh, did we get hitched last night~_

 _[Tony]_

"Tell me this is a nightmare."

Loki grimaced at him.

"Believe me when I say that I dearly wish it was."

"Fuck."

"I'm rather certain we did that too."

"Urgh. Don't remind me."

She grinnedat him, still wearing the helmet and – far more distractingly – nothing else.

"What, you don't find me appealing?"

"That's not the point!"

"Ah, so I didn't mistake your enthusiasm."

"My enth…I thought you didn't remember anything either!"

She tutted at him.

"Ah, ah, Anthony, I said that I remember some things. If it helps to soothe your wounded pride, your...performance was rather memorable, even if human stamina leaves something to be desired."

Tony gaped at her. Before he could so much as start formulating an adequate reply, _The Star-Spangled Banner_ started playing from somewhere.

Steve was calling him.

 _Shit. Shit. Shit._

He was dead. Banned from being an Avenger for life and dead. But mostly dead. He located his phone on the nightstand and picked it up as gingerly as if it were a bomb ready to go off.

"Uh, hi?"

"ANTHONY EDWARD STARK YOU ARE _DEAD_!"

 _Not Steve._

Tony didn't even wince at the volume. Fuck. His. Life. He was so screwed it was almost funny.

"Pepper. Hi. How's life?"

"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"

 _So screwed._

"Did I, um, drunk-dial you last night?"

"YOU..."

Pepper's shout trailed off. Tony could _hear_ her gathering the last shreds of her no doubt heavily overtaxed patience.

"Tony. I am going to send you a file. Open it, then call me. If you don't I'm getting someone to nuke Vegas just to make sure you're dead. Understood?"

Tony swallowed.

"Understood."

Pepper hung up.

A moment later, Tony's phone beeped. He opened the file Pepper had sent him with a feeling of impending doom. It contained screenshots of various text messages and a few pictures.

* * *

 _Tony: HEY pepppr wher are you?_

 _Tony: cause im getting hitched. ITS GREAT! SHE's the badest_

 _Tony: *bestestIS THAT A WORd?_

 _Tony: AND you nee to be my groom-thing where you catch the flowers and shit I THINK im really dunk_

[A picture of...Tony's mouth? He wasn't sure.]

 _Tony: *dunk_

 _Tony: DRUnk feck it_

 _Tony: Anyway why are you not here?_

 _Tony: PEPPR! come Here! you have to meet my finance_

 _Tony: *furnace_

 _Tony: I hate auTOcorrct why doesn't ths crepe phone have Jarvis that Just MEan_

 _Tony: potter. You Nee3 to meet mi finanfe_

[A picture of an obviously at least very tipsy Lady Loki trying to do...something with Tony's hair, it looked like. Or trying to kiss him and missing.]

 _Tony: Shes gonna be my Wife its awesom_

* * *

Tony scrolled down, skimming over what looked like hundreds of messages to the effect of his fiancée being 'the bestest' and various pictures of him and Loki being grossly affectionate and very drunk together. (And didn't that just make his head spin.)

His scrolling came to an abrupt halt when he spotted a picture of himself wearing a flower crown. An honest to Thor _flower crown_. He also had his arm slung around Loki's shoulders. She was wearing a flower crown too. Rather unsurprisingly, drunk Tony was staring into her cleavage while she took the picture.

* * *

 _Tony: WEDDING!_

 _Tony: But you still NOt HeRe and ITS UNFAir you shoudl toatlly be hERe pepper_

 _Tony: NO friends are here itssad reel sad_

 _Tony: But my fnance has NO FRIEnds either so is okay Would be unfair If I'D friend and she was aloe_

 _Tony: Lady Pepper. This is Your Friend's Intended. Do Not Worry, I shall Treat Him with the utmost Respect and will Return him To YOU and his empire In only slightly used Condition. -L_

 _Tony: ISNt she awseom?_

 _Tony: bye for nOW we're maddening_

 _Tony: Marring_

 _Tony: you kno what I meen_

 _Tony: bye_

* * *

And then there was the masterpiece spelling Tony's death sentence: A picture – obviously taken by an unknown third party – of him dipping Lady Loki so far backwards that it looked like they would fall over at any moment, kissing her under a pink rose-adorned canopy.

"Fuck."

The phone was unceremoniously snatched out of his hand.

"Well, these are unflattering."

"Hey!"

Loki didn't even look up. A scowl had etched itself into her features. The phone gave an audible crack as it was subjected to Loki's godly (goddessly?) strength.

"Hey! Lady! Watch the superstrength!"

"Stark we have a problem."

"You already said that but no shit."

She glared at him.

"I'm serious."

Tony shot her a disbelieving look.

"Uh, hello-o, so am I. I got married to Earth's Most Wanted, in case you failed to notice what your current status is here on Little Planet Blue."

"I assure you, my crimes against your world are the least of your worries."

Tony tried and failed to absorb that.

"Okay, you lost me at 'the least of your..."

His phone rang again, playing the 'unknown number' sound this time. Loki all but forced the phone back into his hands.

"Hello?"

"SHIELD-BROTHER!"

 _Ow, his head._

"Thor!?"

"YES! I HAVE BORROWED JANE'S PHONE SINCE I CANNOT FIND MINE!"

"Ow, ow, ow. Indoor voice, Thor, indoor voice. Please, Thunderbird, you're killing me."

Thor lowered his volume. Slightly.

"Ah, I am sorry. Shield-brother, how do you fare? I fear we have lost track of your whereabouts during last night's carousing." There was a pause where Thor seemed to talk to someone. "Ah. Jane tells me we are at the Pyramid Glory Hotel. Should we meet here?"

Tony held the phone to his chest to cover the mic and hoped that Thor's godly hearing wouldn't render the gesture useless.

"It's Thor."

Loki clapped a hand over her eyes.

"Of course it is. What a Norns-forsaken morning."

Tony stared at her.

"I repeat. _It's Thor._ As in 'we have a giant hammer-wielding problem'."

"To borrow your expression, _no shit_."

"I repeat. _It's Thor._ As in 'what the heck do I tell him'."

"Well, I do not know. Just invent some excuse for..."

That was the moment the door to their suite went flying off its hinges with a loud crack.

"Tony!"

The inventor took one look at Captain America standing just inside the ruined door, shield at the ready but clad in flower-print speedos and a hard-hat, and raised the phone to his ear again.

"Thor, I'll call you back."

Then he turned towards his supersoldier teammate.

"Hi Steve. Nice outfit. I think Pepper has your phone."

* * *

 _A/N:_ Virtual sweets to anyone who got the _Disney's Hercules_ reference. And no, I couldn't be bothered to google the name of an actual Vegas hotel. No research ever, remember? Comments are love.


	3. Chapter Three - Captain Village People

**Chapter Three - Captain Village People (And Team)**

 _[Tony]_

Steve blinked owlishly for a moment. Then he seemed to gather his wits, falling into a defensive stance.

"Tony are you alright?"

"Um...yes?"

"You can't answer a question with a question!"

"I clearly can, I just did it. But yes, Steve, I'm alright."

 _Married to the enemy, but otherwise alright. Not that I'll mention that first part to you in ever._

Steve visibly deflated.

"Oh. Good."

Then he noticed Loki for the first time. He promptly blushed all over and averted his eyes.

"Oh, uh, Miss, I'm...so sorry I didn't...um."

Loki made a sound like an angry cat, flopped down onto her back and pulled one of the bedsheets over her face. Steve looked at Tony, who discreetly pulled a corner of the sheet over his lap.

"Err Tony who is..."

"A friend."

Loki shot up from under the covers like a jack-in-the-box.

"I am _most definitely not '_ a friend'."

Steve clapped a hand over his eyes. Tony shot Loki a wide-eyed "what do you _want_ from me" look.

"Well, what else would I-hmph!"

Loki had clapped a hand over his mouth, looking at Steve with a smile like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.

"I'm his wife."

Tony briefly saw his life flash before his eyes.

Steve did not, however, immediately commence the Tony-murdering. Instead, he gazed heavenward in dismay.

"I don't understand people anymore."

Which was the moment Clint choose to appear inside the broken door, holding a bagel in one hand and his bow in the other, quiver slung onto his back.

"Well, Cap, I think no one ever understood Iron Idiot over there. Congrats on the one-night stand, Tony, picked a stunner too."

Loki pulled the blanket back over her head. Tony decided that he was not going to pay for Clint's therapy sessions once the archer realised he'd ogled the breasts of the guy that had turned him into a blue-eyed voodoo zombie.

"Guys can you maybe come back later? This is sort of..."

"A fucking mess that Pepper will kill you for?"

Tony briefly entertained the thought of faking a heart attack and/or ark reactor failure to escape this fresh hell.

"Hi Natasha. So nice of you to join us. Do come in, door's not locked."

"Tony, smile."

Clint held up his phone. The phone's mini-flash felt like a stab directly into Tony's hung-over frontal lobe.

"What the fuck Clint!?"

"Hey man, this is A-grade blackmail material. I've got to document this! Also, Bruce woke up naked in a casino and Hill is still busy bailing him out of prison - because apparently, Vegas does have 'indecent exposure' laws -, so someone has got to keep the guy updated."

Tony felt his brows rise in alarm.

"Did he hulk out?"

Clint shook his head.

"Nah. Just drunk. Asgardian ale is good shit and apparently really good for keeping your chill."

Tony pondered that for a moment.

"Would Asgardian ale also explain why Captain Village People is wearing speedos and yellow headgear?"

Steve, predictably, turned the colour of a boiled lobster. Natasha grinned.

"Well, you missed out Stark. Drunk supersoldiers do some pretty insane things. Now maybe you want to introduce us to your lady friend."

Tony knew that voice. It was her "tell me all your secrets so I don't have to torture them out of you" voice. He swallowed, hard.

"Uh, well, you see, funny story actually..."

"I'm his wife."

Natasha blinked.

"Come again."

Loki stuck her head out from under the blanket.

"I am his wife. Since last night."

Clint started to laugh. Natasha scowled at Tony.

"You did not."

"Sorry?"

Natasha actually _facepalmed_ , which would have been hilarious in other circumstances.

"Oh my god Tony."

Clint laughed harder. Steve was looking towards the ceiling, apparently set on ignoring everyone until his faith in humanity was magically restored. Tony tried making puppy eyes at Natasha to absolutely no effect.

"I know. And I'm really sorry! But I was really drunk. Please don't let Pepper kill me?"

Clint was clutching his sides and leaning on a wall for support, still howling with laughter. It was getting kind of rude. Natasha groaned.

"Tony please stop talking."

Tony closed his mouth. Natasha took her hand away from her face.

"Great. Now, does Pepper know?"

"Yes."

"Congratulations, you're fucked."

"I know."

"And this is is going to be a PR disaster if anyone finds out."

"I know!"

"Well, at least you recognise exactly how fucked you are. But this isn't a worst case scenario."

 _Err, yes it is. It's the worst case in the history of worst cases. But you don't know that._

The thing was, the universe hated Tony Stark. Because not even a second after Tony had finished that thought, Thor stuck his head into the room, his godly gaze zeroing in on Loki as if he had a fucking sibling radar, and shouted

"BROTHER! WHAT NEW MISCHIEF IS THIS!?"

In that moment Tony deeply regretted not updating his will before he'd travelled to Vegas.


	4. Chap 4 – Under This Sheet I'm N-A-K-E-D

**Chapter Four – Under This Sheet I'm N-A-K-E-D**

 _[Tony]_

Tony watched in a kind of fascinated horror as Thor stormed over to the bed and picked a (still naked!) Loki up by the throat.  
Loki didn't look all that fazed.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?"

"Lower your voice Thor, or do you want to call the whole village here?"

Thor slammed Loki into the wall.

"EXPLAIN! IMMEDIATELY!"

"Uh, Thor, buddy. Maybe you want to un-crush her throat? I don't think that a corpse would add to the..."

Aaaand fuck. There he went, opening his stupid mouth again without any input from his brain. Shit. Tony now had the thunder god's undivided attention.

 _Why, oh why, Tony, can't you just throw the villain under the bus and be quiet?_

"You."

Thor's voice had dropped from all-out shouting to a deadly growl. Tony decided that 'scared shitless' was a totally appropriate way to feel given the circumstances.

"If you were not my shield-brother, I would kill you where you stand!"

Tony gulped.

"This again? Truly, Thor? After the fit you pitched about the Elven ambassador? One would think you would learn but _no_ , there you go risking another diplomatic incident. The way you keep clamouring for my lovers' blood one would think _you_ were married to me! Also, you can hardly kill him where he stands while he is sitting down, that is just stupid."

Loki's rant thankfully redirected Thor's focus towards his sibling. All the Avengers looked at Thor, holding their breath.  
(Except Steve. He was still resolutely staring at the ceiling.)

Whatever Thor was about to say, it stayed unsaid, because in that moment someone cleared their throat by the ruined door.

"Uh. Ahem. Hi?"

Everyone turned to stare at the brown-haired guy standing in the doorway holding three pizza cartons. (Well, Loki turned her head, still held aloft by Thor.)  
Pizza guy blinked. Then he looked at the top of the cartons.

"Uh. I have a pizza delivery for...Leia Skywalker?" He frowned, then looked up. "Huh. Nerd parents? Anyway. Money, if you don't mind."

Everyone collectively stared at Pizza Guy some more. Pizza Guy huffed, straightening up.

"Look, guys, I don't care if you're filming some weird bondage scene or something, I just wanna get paid, okay?"

"Steve, pay him."

Steve turned a hilariously outraged look on Tony,

"Why? I didn't order any pizza!"

Tony sighed.

"Yeah Steve, I had hoped that I wouldn't have to spell it out for you, but under this sheet I'm N-A-K-E-D, so unless you want me to flash you getting my wallet from my trousers, _please_. Just pay the delivery man and I'll reimburse you later."

"Clint can pay him."

"Why? I didn't order pizza either."

"Clint!"

"But you ate all the doughnuts I paid for!"

"Steve!"

Pizza Guy cleared his throat again.

"Guys, not to be crass but I don't care if _Mister Sheet_ comes over here dancing the Macarena in a lace thong as long as someone hands me the money for these pizzas."

Clint cackled.

"Mister Sheet! You've got a new nickname Tony!"

"Clint, not the time."

"Aw Tasha, you're no fun!"

"Hello-o. Can someone _please_ pay the pizza guy? Steve?"

"Why me?"

"Okay. OKAY. I fucking give up. But if I hear _one word_ of complaint about my naked ass…!"

Tony hopped out of the bed, went over to his trousers, got his wallet and shoved a fifty at Pizza Guy.

"Here. Keep the change. I'm sorry, my friends are idiots. Have a nice week, Dillon."

"It's Richard."

"Whatever."

"Thanks. Also, your naked ass looks fine. Not bad for your age."

Tony spluttered. Richard the pizza guy pushed the pizza cartons into his hands and went out the door back to wherever he'd come from. Everyone sort of stared after him for a moment.

"Wow, he didn't even notice that we're the Avenge..." Clint trailed off before turning a wide-eyed gaze on Tony. "Holy crap, he didn't notice that you're _Tony Stark_!"

"Yes, well, he complimented my ass instead so I think I'll recover."

Clint leered at him. Natasha groaned.

"Stark, you have thirty seconds to put on underwear. I don't want to see your junk swinging in the breeze."

Tony put the pizza on the floor, feeling very calm all of a sudden. Probably the post-adrenaline low.

"I will. As soon as Thor stops strangling his sibling. Also, may I point out that Richard the pizza guy thought you two were having sex."

Thor dropped Loki like she was suddenly on fire, face twisting into an expression of profound disgust. Loki's expression was similarly put-off.

"Ew."

"Precisely. So, now where are my..."

Steve offered Tony his briefs with a look of sad resignation on his face.

"Thanks, Cap."

"Don't mention it. Please don't ever mention it."

Tony couldn't quite resist waggling his eyebrows.

"I won't tell if you won't?"

"Well, clearly we will have to work on the outrageous flirting."

When Tony turned to stare at Loki, she was standing beside the bed, miraculously clothed without a hair out of place. Thor was standing beside her, eyeing her with suspicion.

"Excuse you?"

"Well, Mother will no doubt insist on some kind of feast to celebrate our nuptials, and it would hardly be proper if you were seen making eyes at every pretty face passing you by."

"Excuse you?! There will be no nuptials to celebrate! Because we're getting divorced! Pronto! Stante pede! Immediately!"

Thor and Loki blinked at him, wearing eerily similar confused expressions.

"Divorced?"

There was honest confusion in Thor's eyes. Tony felt his heart plummet into his feet.

 _Shit._


End file.
